The Honeymoon Phase, Really?

The wedding day was perfect! It was more than I ever dreamed of.  All of the work, sweat, tears, and money that went into the day was well worth it.  Not one dollar was spent in vain.  We can't say enough about the wedding day.  The day my husband stood in front of 95 guests and cried like a baby exclaiming his love for me.  When I think about my wedding day I am still in awe.  I was already His Heart & now I'm his His Wife.

So now we've entered into the honeymoon phase of life. You know the period of marital bliss. The best time in your life. Euphoria. Everybody calls, texts, or asks "How is Newlywed Life treating you?",  "Is it any different now that you're married?",  "When are the children coming?",  "How was the honeymoon?", and 50 million other questions.  I smile and say "Married life is treating me good".  I'm not lying.  Life is treating me good & I'm married.  So why do I walk away feeling like a fraud?

Because 6 weeks after we said "I do" I felt sad. I mean real sad. It started when the honeymoon was over. Work was calling me from my honeymoon suite so it wasn't the working, it was just the slap in the face reminder saying "Zena, life is no Fairy Tale (or crystal stair)!" There's really no difference.  It's the everyday grind in married life that it was in the single life and in the shacking up life.  No bells and whistles.  No more mind blowing sex than before.  Even though now it does feel a little better having mind blowing sex that is pleasing to God lol.  But this sadness has me worried.

So I did what I probably do best. I went to Google and started researching "Post wedding blues", "after wedding depression" and anything else that could sum up my feelings.  You'd be surprised how common it is for brides to feel post-wedding blues.  I can't remember the numbers. I just walked away screaming inside. I'm not crazy. This is not a sigb of doom on my life or marriage. Now I know exactly what's going on and I have no reason to be ashamed!

There were a couple of obvious things.  I did not want to go back to work after the honeymoon. Let me be real. I love my career. I love my clients & I love my job (even with the excess paperwork) but I would much rather stay at home & not work! If finances weren't an issue, I would work a few months each year. That might be another topic "the working wife". But that's probably only 35% of my problem. I'd bet 50% of my "blues" came from being sucked into a dream world. My "perfect" wedding day set the bar real high and raised my expectations of life. Dealing with the bullcrap in life, the other 15%, proved perfection is far out of reach. The same issues that loomed over my head are right here. And hence, I have my moments of sadness. I can deal with it. Our marriage can manage it. I just wish somebody would have warned me about this part of the honeymoon phase.

The Mistress' Daughter Gets Married..........Again

I was born out of an adulterous relationship and I learned very early that marriage was a smoke screen, nothing more than a chess match for the pretentious.  A game society played with each other to see who could fake it the longest.  Smile in front of business associates, family, and friends and all the while live a secret life after dusk.  Don't get me wrong I know a few married couples who make it look easy.  But I've secretly wondered what skeletons lie awake in their closets at night.  I mean transparency and marriage is an oxymoron. That's why I had it all figured out.  Just don't get married. I remember thinking well that won't work. I might need a husband to reach the tall places in the cabinets. Then I saw a really tall foot stool. Problem solved. And no husband for me. So why the hell did I just get married.......again?

No disrespect to my first husband but he knows I never wanted to marry him.  We were best friends (so I thought) and I liked him around.  He had good health insurance & 2 incomes were better than one.  So after 2 failed engagements, we did it.  Marriage didn't last a year and I never lost a wink of sleep.  Yea I missed him from time to time but the marriage was based on lies.  It was my attempt at being pretentious.  Living the fat lie my father lived when he stayed married to his wife and cheated with my mom for 10 years BEFORE I was born.  It was the same deception that lead all of the married men to take their rings off when a sexy girl walked by.  It was the same deception that tells these men on the downlow that it's ok to pretend to be heterosexual in public and solicit male lovers in private.  It was a lie that I could never quite fool myself into believing.  And though I knew it was a lie I waited to believe it.  When I ended the marriage, I was relieved.  So how the hell did I end up here?

The short answer: I listened to God.  That's the answer for everything right? Seriously, I listened to God. I studied God's definition of marriage and it wasn't so bad.  I opened my eyes to the untold side of marriage.  So what if the marriage I tried to convict weren't blameless.  They didn't have to be.  They just had to endure.  Could I be submissive? Could I follow my husband's lead? Of course, as long as he loved me as Jesus loved the church.  I mean Jesus lived and died for the church!  Sure, if he understood that he was the head and the body can not survive without the head.  And that's how I got here.  Trusting in God.  Learning to hide my heart in God so deep that if my husband wants to find it, he has to seek God first! But that's the thing about sinners.  Keeping my heart hidden in God is the hardest part of this marriage thing.  But here I am holding on for dear life.  Come along with me on this ride. I'm sure it'll get interesting.