I was born out of an adulterous relationship and I learned very early that marriage was a smoke screen, nothing more than a chess match for the pretentious. A game society played with each other to see who could fake it the longest. Smile in front of business associates, family, and friends and all the while live a secret life after dusk. Don't get me wrong I know a few married couples who make it look easy. But I've secretly wondered what skeletons lie awake in their closets at night. I mean transparency and marriage is an oxymoron. That's why I had it all figured out. Just don't get married. I remember thinking well that won't work. I might need a husband to reach the tall places in the cabinets. Then I saw a really tall foot stool. Problem solved. And no husband for me. So why the hell did I just get married.......again?
No disrespect to my first husband but he knows I never wanted to marry him. We were best friends (so I thought) and I liked him around. He had good health insurance & 2 incomes were better than one. So after 2 failed engagements, we did it. Marriage didn't last a year and I never lost a wink of sleep. Yea I missed him from time to time but the marriage was based on lies. It was my attempt at being pretentious. Living the fat lie my father lived when he stayed married to his wife and cheated with my mom for 10 years BEFORE I was born. It was the same deception that lead all of the married men to take their rings off when a sexy girl walked by. It was the same deception that tells these men on the downlow that it's ok to pretend to be heterosexual in public and solicit male lovers in private. It was a lie that I could never quite fool myself into believing. And though I knew it was a lie I waited to believe it. When I ended the marriage, I was relieved. So how the hell did I end up here?
The short answer: I listened to God. That's the answer for everything right? Seriously, I listened to God. I studied God's definition of marriage and it wasn't so bad. I opened my eyes to the untold side of marriage. So what if the marriage I tried to convict weren't blameless. They didn't have to be. They just had to endure. Could I be submissive? Could I follow my husband's lead? Of course, as long as he loved me as Jesus loved the church. I mean Jesus lived and died for the church! Sure, if he understood that he was the head and the body can not survive without the head. And that's how I got here. Trusting in God. Learning to hide my heart in God so deep that if my husband wants to find it, he has to seek God first! But that's the thing about sinners. Keeping my heart hidden in God is the hardest part of this marriage thing. But here I am holding on for dear life. Come along with me on this ride. I'm sure it'll get interesting.
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